NOM DE PLUMAGE
11/25/2007

What?s in a name? That which we call The Batman would be just as scary as someone called ?Dark Broody Guy?, right? Nope, it?s all got to do with marketing, and ?DBG? just doesn?t sell. There are characters with hundreds of superpowers and one civilian name (Dial H for Hero) and superheroes with one name and multiple civilian identities (Moonknight). But through it all, there?s something in common. You gotta have a cool name.

Some costumed names come easily. If you get your power from something, call yourself after that object. If your name is Otto Octavious and you get tentacles grafted to you, or you were born as Jack Hamner and you develop a super punch, your name is just going to come naturally. Roy G. Bivolo? Cursed from birth to become who he was (although I would have used my middle name a lot more often, if I were him).

Say your name is Johnny Storm, and you develop the ability to catch on fire. Hmm, fire?storm? fire..storm.. of course you?d name yourself The Human Torch (which in the Marvel Universe needed to be done to distinguish him from the non-human Human Torch, right?). But of the entire quartet, he still ended up with the best name. There?s ?the Girl We Ignore?, ?This Unspecified Object?, and worst of all, Mr. Fantastic. Think about this: he names himself Mr. Fantastic, and if that wasn?t ego enough, the rest of the group is the Fantastettes? I mean Fantastic Four. You don?t see Thor leading a group called the Thor Four, do you?

Other rules abound: heroes should never be too high a rank, for instance. Captains Marvel, America, Canuck? they fight villains that they should have to salute (Major Disaster, Major Force, General Lethargy). Another rule: women with ?Black? in their name do not have to be African American, unlike the men. Black Widow and Black Canary for example. As a side note, canaries are yellow, green, blue, and a lot of other shades, but not black. A black canary is really a crow.

And why even HAVE code names if your identity is known worldwide? People fear Tony Stark because they KNOW he?s Iron Man (that, and all the FUI arrests while flying in his armor). So he can drop the name. No one tries to sneak up on Wally West, even when out of his costume (although it?s hard to take a hero seriously with the name of Wally). And ?Eel? O?Brian? Okay, I admit Plastic Man makes for better titles on the cover (and sounds less like a porn star).

Now for group names: you want to join a troupe that has charisma, sounds impressive, and has a great track record. League, Legion, Society, all good team-building names. If your group is ?West Coast? anything that DOESN?T have a version with ?East Coast? in their title, avoid it. You?ll just end up like West Virginia, ignored as not a ?real? Virginia. A group calling themselves ?The Losers? or ?Suicide Squad?, it?s just good to stay clear of altogether...

For I am The Kvetcher, I ?watch? the universe with an attitude.

And I am confused and amused by it all.
---Chet Jacques

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